Review: PHAMOUS

PHUCK-ALL


1 star


Mini Review:


This movie about guns and baddies is so slow you could
answer all your pending emails and the story would not have
moved an inch. A local politician and a local baddie rule a
small town with guns. The politician lusts after the wife of a
local chap. The machinations to kidnap her are so pathetic
and the posturing with guns is so ridiculous, you want to fast
forward the whole thing and be done with lust and guns
and whatever…


Main Review:


When you think about why someone needed to tell this story,
you come up with no answers. The story is so sketchy,
everything looks so stretched you wish you had a remote
control to fast forward the whole thing.


The movie begins ordinarily enough. The setting is Chambal,
the dreaded dacoit infested region. They say the waters of
the Chambal river turn anyone into a ‘dhaakad’ or ‘a heavy’.
A girl is getting married when dacoits show up to loot the
wedding. But wait! The dacoit is actually kidnapping the bride.
He’s Kadak Singh (played by Kay Kay Menon, wearing a large
handlebar moustache and yellow contact lenses). The bride’s
dad Shambhu, is none other than Jackie Shroff, who uses his
own gun to stop the looting and kills his daughter instead.
The cops show up and arrest Jackie Shroff (who looks the part
of a guy who could handle a gun, is taken away). Since
Shambhu is gone, Kadak Singh and his bad political crony
Ram Vijay Tripathi (played rather hammily by the hitherto infallible
Pankaj Tripathi) take over the area and become petty dictators.

Kadak Singh’s atrocities are witnessed by a young lad called
Radhe, who unwittingly saves Kadak Singh by refusing to identify
him as the killer in a police lineup…Then there’s Radhe’s
heartbreak over a teacher Miss Rosy (Mahie Gill who is predict-
ably clad in barely there blouses) who is raped and killed by the
sleazy Ram Vijay Tripathi, who then goes to jail. Radhe grows up
to be a namby-pamby Jimmy Sheirgill who marries Lalli (Shriya
Saran, who is dressed up too scantily to be village belle) who in
turn is ogled at and is wanted by the sleazy politician… So
Kadak Singh and Ram Vijay Tripathi hatch a convoluted plan
to first give Radhe a job, send him to do accounts in nearby
villages and then to make merry with Lalli. That takes at least
45 minutes to accomplish. You wonder why they don’t just
shoot Radhe and get on with the lust program? Then you
realise you don’t really care.



(this review appears on nowrunning dot com)

Review: PHAMOUS

PHUCK-ALL


1 star


Mini Review:


This movie about guns and baddies is so slow you could
answer all your pending emails and the story would not have
moved an inch. A local politician and a local baddie rule a
small town with guns. The politician lusts after the wife of a
local chap. The machinations to kidnap her are so pathetic
and the posturing with guns is so ridiculous, you want to fast
forward the whole thing and be done with lust and guns
and whatever…


Main Review:


When you think about why someone needed to tell this story,
you come up with no answers. The story is so sketchy,
everything looks so stretched you wish you had a remote
control to fast forward the whole thing.


The movie begins ordinarily enough. The setting is Chambal,
the dreaded dacoit infested region. They say the waters of
the Chambal river turn anyone into a ‘dhaakad’ or ‘a heavy’.
A girl is getting married when dacoits show up to loot the
wedding. But wait! The dacoit is actually kidnapping the bride.
He’s Kadak Singh (played by Kay Kay Menon, wearing a large
handlebar moustache and yellow contact lenses). The bride’s
dad Shambhu, is none other than Jackie Shroff, who uses his
own gun to stop the looting and kills his daughter instead.
The cops show up and arrest Jackie Shroff (who looks the part
of a guy who could handle a gun, is taken away). Since
Shambhu is gone, Kadak Singh and his bad political crony
Ram Vijay Tripathi (played rather hammily by the hitherto infallible
Pankaj Tripathi) take over the area and become petty dictators.

Kadak Singh’s atrocities are witnessed by a young lad called
Radhe, who unwittingly saves Kadak Singh by refusing to identify
him as the killer in a police lineup…Then there’s Radhe’s
heartbreak over a teacher Miss Rosy (Mahie Gill who is predict-
ably clad in barely there blouses) who is raped and killed by the
sleazy Ram Vijay Tripathi, who then goes to jail. Radhe grows up
to be a namby-pamby Jimmy Sheirgill who marries Lalli (Shriya
Saran, who is dressed up too scantily to be village belle) who in
turn is ogled at and is wanted by the sleazy politician… So
Kadak Singh and Ram Vijay Tripathi hatch a convoluted plan
to first give Radhe a job, send him to do accounts in nearby
villages and then to make merry with Lalli. That takes at least
45 minutes to accomplish. You wonder why they don’t just
shoot Radhe and get on with the lust program? Then you
realise you don’t really care.



(this review appears on nowrunning dot com)

Review: VEERE DI WEDDING


Trope Ka Bazaar


2.5 Stars


Mini Review:


Four friends come together as grown ups when one of them,
Kalindi, decides to get married. The couple thinks it will be
a small, intimate do, but it turns out to be a great Indian
over the top shindig. The friends find their troubles magnified
under the glitter and after lots of boozy nights and days
discover how love triumphs all. You want to facepalm
several times but it’s all frothy and bubbly as Champagne…


Main Review:

Alas, You need a man for a shaadi… warna yeh ladkiyaan
hee Enough thee ji!


Kareena Kapoor is Kalindi Puri, hesitant about marriage because
she has seen how her parents fought and fought.


Sumeet Vyas is Rishab Malhotra who lives with her in Sydney
but because he’s ‘desi’ he wants to marry her. Kalindi says yes
and the two fly to India for the wedding.


Sonam Kapoor Ahuja is Avni, a divorce lawyer (her mum is
played by the gorgeous Neena Gupta) who dreams of getting
married having kids and doing the whole family thing. Of course
she’s going to go through men like a sieve (and teenagers in the
theater are going to squeal and scream because a lad returns her
undies to her!) (grown ups will roll their eyes many times at the
predictability of it all)


Swara Bhaskar plays Sakshi Soni, the rich girl who owns a
Bentley, is a motormouth,  but is having a hard time in her
marriage because her husband catches her (Insert many
squeals from teenagers here). And yes, the trope is well played.


And as all movies go, you need a friend who is extra-large so
the writers can bung in politically correct things about not body
shaming someone. But Shikha Talsania carries her role rather
well, despite being called ‘Mother Dairy’ by her unkind friend.


Kitna Facepalm karoon? Predictability ka sale, Harrods
type tha, but…

As if this much predictability wasn’t enough, you have to add

Manoj Pahwa and Ayesha Raza as Rishab’s OTT parents who
are part of a large OTT family. There’s glitter and gota and shiny
lights and sequined dresses! That dress was the funnest thing
I have seen in a Hindi film. One star for Kareena Kapoor for
wearing it. And for sitting on the moon with Sumeet Vyas.


The other super scene, that earns it own half star is the child
imitating the mother scene. It goes on for too long, but it’s fun.


One half star for the beautiful red quilt in Bhandari’s room. He’s
too wonderfully sleazy to have such good taste. I expected a
Formula One or an English Premier League quilt.


Despite the predictability of the whole wedding, ‘problems’ these
poor little rich girls have (which can only be solved by girlfriends
and a trip to foreign lands), the film comes across as real when in
the last twenty minutes the pieces of these platinum edged puzzle
pieces begin to fall into place.

Of course Kareena Kapoor is delicious and an amazing actor. She
holds this trope bazaar together. In the end, love wins and there’s
a wedding and more partying and more boozing…   

(btw, wrote this review in my Desigual blue and white summer dress and Valentino Camustar rockstud leather slingbacks)

Review: VEERE DI WEDDING


Trope Ka Bazaar


2.5 Stars


Mini Review:


Four friends come together as grown ups when one of them,
Kalindi, decides to get married. The couple thinks it will be
a small, intimate do, but it turns out to be a great Indian
over the top shindig. The friends find their troubles magnified
under the glitter and after lots of boozy nights and days
discover how love triumphs all. You want to facepalm
several times but it’s all frothy and bubbly as Champagne…


Main Review:

Alas, You need a man for a shaadi… warna yeh ladkiyaan
hee Enough thee ji!


Kareena Kapoor is Kalindi Puri, hesitant about marriage because
she has seen how her parents fought and fought.


Sumeet Vyas is Rishab Malhotra who lives with her in Sydney
but because he’s ‘desi’ he wants to marry her. Kalindi says yes
and the two fly to India for the wedding.


Sonam Kapoor Ahuja is Avni, a divorce lawyer (her mum is
played by the gorgeous Neena Gupta) who dreams of getting
married having kids and doing the whole family thing. Of course
she’s going to go through men like a sieve (and teenagers in the
theater are going to squeal and scream because a lad returns her
undies to her!) (grown ups will roll their eyes many times at the
predictability of it all)


Swara Bhaskar plays Sakshi Soni, the rich girl who owns a
Bentley, is a motormouth,  but is having a hard time in her
marriage because her husband catches her (Insert many
squeals from teenagers here). And yes, the trope is well played.


And as all movies go, you need a friend who is extra-large so
the writers can bung in politically correct things about not body
shaming someone. But Shikha Talsania carries her role rather
well, despite being called ‘Mother Dairy’ by her unkind friend.


Kitna Facepalm karoon? Predictability ka sale, Harrods
type tha, but…

As if this much predictability wasn’t enough, you have to add

Manoj Pahwa and Ayesha Raza as Rishab’s OTT parents who
are part of a large OTT family. There’s glitter and gota and shiny
lights and sequined dresses! That dress was the funnest thing
I have seen in a Hindi film. One star for Kareena Kapoor for
wearing it. And for sitting on the moon with Sumeet Vyas.


The other super scene, that earns it own half star is the child
imitating the mother scene. It goes on for too long, but it’s fun.


One half star for the beautiful red quilt in Bhandari’s room. He’s
too wonderfully sleazy to have such good taste. I expected a
Formula One or an English Premier League quilt.


Despite the predictability of the whole wedding, ‘problems’ these
poor little rich girls have (which can only be solved by girlfriends
and a trip to foreign lands), the film comes across as real when in
the last twenty minutes the pieces of these platinum edged puzzle
pieces begin to fall into place.

Of course Kareena Kapoor is delicious and an amazing actor. She
holds this trope bazaar together. In the end, love wins and there’s
a wedding and more partying and more boozing…   

(btw, wrote this review in my Desigual blue and white summer dress and Valentino Camustar rockstud leather slingbacks)

Review: BUCKET LIST

Hum Aapke Hain Koun!

2.5 stars

Mini Review:

When you see Renuka Shahane meet Madhuri Dixit, songs and dialog from their famous film together play in your head. Does Madhuri Dixit with Renuka’s daughter’s heart remain a stranger? Does fulfilling the young girl’s wishes make Madhuri a better person? Why is she doing what she does? If this film had been written a little more carefully, then it would not feel so much like it was a throwback of the 90s. It’s moralistic, but it’s fun. And yes, Madhuri Dixit is beautiful!


Main Review: 

(Channelising my inner Vandana Gupte – she plays the mother-in-law to Madhuri Dixit – for the main review) 

बहुत ही हसु आता है यह सिनेमा देख के. 

माधुरी दीक्षित वैसे ही गोड़ है जैसे वह सलमान खान के साथ दिखती थी. आणि तिची स्माइल वैसे ही किलर है जैसे आधी थी. आधी मतलब बिफोर, आगोदर। 

पण मैं पूछती हूँ की यह स्टोरी कब लिखी थी? वीस वर्ष के पहले क्या? सब कितना पुराना लगता है! आम्ही मराठी लोग बहुत ही फॉरवर्ड टाइप के होते हैं. हमारे पुणे में कितनी नौ वार साड़ी बाँधने वाली आज्जी लोग मोटरसाइकिल पर भाजी आणणे को जाती है. 

चलो सासुओं के लिए अच्छा है की बहु को पूछते हुए दिखाया है. यह करूँ क्या? वह करूँ क्या! रियल जीवन में कौन पूछता है? और सुमित राघवन जब बोलता है घर का काम करने के बाद जो  करो, मेरी तो हार्ट में अटैक ही आ गया था. इतनी सुन्दर बायको पर ऐसा धाक किस मराठी लड़के को होता है?! वह तोह शेली के तरह उसके आगे पीछे घूमता है. असो. फिल्म में गलत दिखाया है. रियल लाइफ में बायको ऐसा रूसती की गाडगीळ से सोने का हार मिलने की बाद ही मानती. 

माधुरी की स्माइल आज भी वैसा ही पावर है, बर का!

लेकिन मेक अप थोड़ा कम चलता घर के आत कोई इतना मेक अप पोत के काम करता है क्या? लेकिन मेरी एक यंग मैत्रीण थोड़ा जल के बोली, झुर्रियां छिपाने के लिए रे! वह इंग्लिश विंग्लिश में नहीं लय श्रीदेवी ने नाक पे कुछ विचित्र सा किया था? बेचारी अब नहीं है,तो हम इसी फिल्म के बारे में बोलते हैं. 

ये सारे यंग फ्रेंड्स माधुरी को ‘दी’ क्यों बोलते है? मराठी का अच्छा वर्ड हैं न, ताई. वह वापरने में क्या प्रॉब्लम थी?

और हार्ट ऑपरेशन का यह इतना हाथभर स्कार रहता है. आक्खी लाइफ के लिए. माधुरी के हार्ट के पास कोई स्कार ही नहीं था! दाग अच्छे हैं ऐसा आप लोग ही बोलते हैं, न, फिर ऑपरेशन का दाग क्यों नहीं दिखाया?

लेकिन वह सब छोड़ो. मुझे यह बताओ, कौन सासु आज कल पापड़ बनती है? शी बाई! नसते उद्द्योग! सब सासु आजकल किट्टी पार्टी में जाती है या फिर सीनियर सिटीजन क्लब में. यह चूक दिखाया है.

हाँ कुछ कुछ बहुत हसु आने वाले डायलॉग है. जैसे के माधुरी जब बेटी का टॉप देख के उसे पिशवी कहती है. इसीलिए फिल्म चालेल बर का!

थोड़ी वेगळी है यह फिल्म. मराठी फिल्मवाले सिर्फ शिवाजी पर बनाते हैं, या फिर विठोबा पर. या फिर इतनी गाँव वाली बनाते हैं की कौन इतने पैसे दे कर गाँव के दुःख देखने जाएगा? 

हो, आणि ते सगळे ‘मी बकेट लिस्ट पूर्ण करायला गेले आणि त्यात मी माला भेटली’ टाइप शिकवण इस वैरी बोरिंग हाँ. आणि माय नवरा विल पळून जाईल अगर मैं उसको बोलूं की तुम मेरी बकेट लिस्ट में नहीं हो, क्योंकि तुम मेरे बकेट हो… बाल्टी कौन कहता है यार!

वंदना गुप्ते का काम अप्रतिम हुआ है, और मुझे तो रेणुका शहाणे बहुत अच्छी लगती है. मैं तो बहुत हैप्पी निकली फिल्म देख के. लम्बी लगती है क्योंकि बहुत ओल्ड फैशन टाइप है. जरा गिलने को तकलीफ होती है. 



Review: BUCKET LIST

Hum Aapke Hain Koun!

2.5 stars

Mini Review:

When you see Renuka Shahane meet Madhuri Dixit, songs and dialog from their famous film together play in your head. Does Madhuri Dixit with Renuka’s daughter’s heart remain a stranger? Does fulfilling the young girl’s wishes make Madhuri a better person? Why is she doing what she does? If this film had been written a little more carefully, then it would not feel so much like it was a throwback of the 90s. It’s moralistic, but it’s fun. And yes, Madhuri Dixit is beautiful!


Main Review: 

(Channelising my inner Vandana Gupte – she plays the mother-in-law to Madhuri Dixit – for the main review) 

बहुत ही हसु आता है यह सिनेमा देख के. 

माधुरी दीक्षित वैसे ही गोड़ है जैसे वह सलमान खान के साथ दिखती थी. आणि तिची स्माइल वैसे ही किलर है जैसे आधी थी. आधी मतलब बिफोर, आगोदर। 

पण मैं पूछती हूँ की यह स्टोरी कब लिखी थी? वीस वर्ष के पहले क्या? सब कितना पुराना लगता है! आम्ही मराठी लोग बहुत ही फॉरवर्ड टाइप के होते हैं. हमारे पुणे में कितनी नौ वार साड़ी बाँधने वाली आज्जी लोग मोटरसाइकिल पर भाजी आणणे को जाती है. 

चलो सासुओं के लिए अच्छा है की बहु को पूछते हुए दिखाया है. यह करूँ क्या? वह करूँ क्या! रियल जीवन में कौन पूछता है? और सुमित राघवन जब बोलता है घर का काम करने के बाद जो  करो, मेरी तो हार्ट में अटैक ही आ गया था. इतनी सुन्दर बायको पर ऐसा धाक किस मराठी लड़के को होता है?! वह तोह शेली के तरह उसके आगे पीछे घूमता है. असो. फिल्म में गलत दिखाया है. रियल लाइफ में बायको ऐसा रूसती की गाडगीळ से सोने का हार मिलने की बाद ही मानती. 

माधुरी की स्माइल आज भी वैसा ही पावर है, बर का!

लेकिन मेक अप थोड़ा कम चलता घर के आत कोई इतना मेक अप पोत के काम करता है क्या? लेकिन मेरी एक यंग मैत्रीण थोड़ा जल के बोली, झुर्रियां छिपाने के लिए रे! वह इंग्लिश विंग्लिश में नहीं लय श्रीदेवी ने नाक पे कुछ विचित्र सा किया था? बेचारी अब नहीं है,तो हम इसी फिल्म के बारे में बोलते हैं. 

ये सारे यंग फ्रेंड्स माधुरी को ‘दी’ क्यों बोलते है? मराठी का अच्छा वर्ड हैं न, ताई. वह वापरने में क्या प्रॉब्लम थी?

और हार्ट ऑपरेशन का यह इतना हाथभर स्कार रहता है. आक्खी लाइफ के लिए. माधुरी के हार्ट के पास कोई स्कार ही नहीं था! दाग अच्छे हैं ऐसा आप लोग ही बोलते हैं, न, फिर ऑपरेशन का दाग क्यों नहीं दिखाया?

लेकिन वह सब छोड़ो. मुझे यह बताओ, कौन सासु आज कल पापड़ बनती है? शी बाई! नसते उद्द्योग! सब सासु आजकल किट्टी पार्टी में जाती है या फिर सीनियर सिटीजन क्लब में. यह चूक दिखाया है.

हाँ कुछ कुछ बहुत हसु आने वाले डायलॉग है. जैसे के माधुरी जब बेटी का टॉप देख के उसे पिशवी कहती है. इसीलिए फिल्म चालेल बर का!

थोड़ी वेगळी है यह फिल्म. मराठी फिल्मवाले सिर्फ शिवाजी पर बनाते हैं, या फिर विठोबा पर. या फिर इतनी गाँव वाली बनाते हैं की कौन इतने पैसे दे कर गाँव के दुःख देखने जाएगा? 

हो, आणि ते सगळे ‘मी बकेट लिस्ट पूर्ण करायला गेले आणि त्यात मी माला भेटली’ टाइप शिकवण इस वैरी बोरिंग हाँ. आणि माय नवरा विल पळून जाईल अगर मैं उसको बोलूं की तुम मेरी बकेट लिस्ट में नहीं हो, क्योंकि तुम मेरे बकेट हो… बाल्टी कौन कहता है यार!

वंदना गुप्ते का काम अप्रतिम हुआ है, और मुझे तो रेणुका शहाणे बहुत अच्छी लगती है. मैं तो बहुत हैप्पी निकली फिल्म देख के. लम्बी लगती है क्योंकि बहुत ओल्ड फैशन टाइप है. जरा गिलने को तकलीफ होती है.